Trouble Begins (or continues):
For about a month now, I’ve only been taking half of my prescribed dosage of medicine in order to stretch my remaining medicine further. This is due to insurance issues related to our recent move. Unfortunately, lowering my intake of medicine that already wasn’t working very well (of course) has not had very good results. (*Cough* delusional *Cough*).
A symptom I only just realized, right before typing this, has been rather frequent: delusions. I’ve known for quite a while that my beliefs didn’t make any logical sense, and yet I still firmly believe them – even after this realization. My thoughts are so chaotic and confused – I know they don’t make sense, that my beliefs can’t be real, but I cannot shake them.
It’s stupid beliefs, too. One in particular is that my fingernails are starting to flatten out (before they had a rather nice, rounded curve) because in high school I thought one of my friend’s fingernails weren’t very good (she had flat fingernails). For perspective, I have been out of high school for about five years. Even though I know it doesn’t make sense, I keep thinking that my fingernails are flattening because I’m being punished for being so critical of her fingernails.
Other nonsensical beliefs relate to my gaining weight, and even problems people I know are having. Without giving too many details, someone I know is going through a tough time, and I keep thinking she’s being punished because of something I complained about. Mind you, I only complained to my husband, and regretted the decision after. Not because my husband would say something (he wouldn’t), but because complaining doesn’t fix anything. Aside from that, complaining leaves a bad taste in my mouth. That’s not the person I want to be (it’s something I’m working on).
Nonsensical, but Still Real:
These pointless thoughts keep circling around in my head, keeping me awake and convincing me that I’m being punished; even that the people I care about are being punished because of me. As I have said far too many times already, these thoughts don’t make sense. I can’t shake them, though. They are firmly rooted and refusing to let go. Knowing something isn’t real isn’t enough to allow me to believe it isn’t real.
This doesn’t even make sense to me, but I suppose that’s to expected. Not much makes sense to me anymore. This thoroughly sucks, but there is little that can be done at the moment. Here’s hoping you are far less delusional than I am.
A Delusional Mind